Write Your Own Diet Book (June 23, 2015)

The first diet book I ever read was written by a lady whom I believe had originally intended to fast to lose weight and failed. And I believe this because the daily combination of miracle fat-destroying foods that she listed did not sound to me like miracle fat-destroying foods. They sounded to me like what you might eat if you were trying to fast to lose weight, couldn't stick to it, and instead ate a little of whatever junk you had around the house that you had failed to clear out ahead of time. Of course I can't tell you what the title of this book was,* but ever since then I’ve hated trendy diet books and the self-promoting charlatans who write them. So in order to keep you from wasting your time in the future, I offer you my All-Purpose Generic Diet Book Outline. This way you will be able to write your own diet book any time you feel the need and will never, ever have to pay good money for one of those pieces of !@#$%^*& again.

*The Beverly Hills Diet

Chapter One
The author’s name, vaguely ethnic-sounding but unidentifiable as to national origin – How the author overcame incredible odds in early life to become wildly successful entirely by his/her own abilities and drive – The nature of said success, usually in an area of endeavor requiring the ability to schmooze people successfully -- The appearance of the author’s weight (and possibly accompanying health) problem, mysterious in origin and certainly not at all due to anything unhealthy said author might have been doing.

Chapter Two
An exhaustive list of the failed diets the author undertook in his/her quest to lose weight and regain health, one of which is always eating less and exercising more -- How none of them worked and how every doctor consulted was stumped by the author’s uniqueness – Optional: How, despite following all the rules to the letter, the author even GAINED weight.

Chapter Three
The author’s long search through the medical literature and/or world travels to study primitive tribes without weight issues in order to find the Solution -- How a chance encounter with a colorful stranger, the discovery of a long-forgotten scientific paper, or words of wisdom from some kind of shamanic type person started the author on the right track -- How when the author began to put said Solution into practice “the pounds suddenly, magically began to melt off” – How the author worked to develop the Solution into a practical self-help plan that anyone could easily follow (also known as adding enough froth to a basic idea to make it book length).

Chapter Four
How the Solution works on a level of physiology that scientists have recently discovered OR that no one else on earth has ever heard of – How the author tried to share the Solution with the medical community and instead was persecuted for his/her beliefs – How ordinary people were able to see the Truth in a way that the experts couldn’t, creating such enormous grass-roots demand for the author's Solution that s/he was forced to write this book.

Chapter Five
Finally, the Solution itself! Which, no matter what else it consists of, works by making you eat less junk food and exercise more.

Chapter Six
Some very basic food and nutritional science that anyone who has ever been on a diet before knows already.

Chapter Seven
A bunch of stupid recipes that anyone could think of.

Chapter Eight
A variation on the original program with more stupid obvious recipes.

Chapter Nine
A number of success stories, many with gushing praise for the author -- The author's continued and undreamed-of success and his/her gratitude for being able to give this gift to the world -- The author wishes you well on your journey.

Here's an example:

"My name is Ariadne Yerko. I was born one of 14 children in a dysfunctional family of parsley smokers, but despite having been kept locked in a large dog kennel continuously from the age of six months onward, I managed to get my GED at age 12 and was a successful film producer by the time I reached 21. Then one morning I woke up 60 pounds heavier than the day before, and nothing, including three months of water fasting while simultaneously hiking the Appalachian trail, made a dent in it. Desperate, I traveled to the farthest reaches of the Barbary Coast and passed as one of the indigenous peoples there for over thirteen years in order to discover their secret to leanness. Which is -- vinegar-soaked guava root! If you eat three ounces of vinegar-soaked guava root four times a day with a half-cup of steamed white rice and a glass of filtered lemon water, I promise that it will magically jump-start your metabolism and you will lose all the weight you want. Here are four dozen recipes to help you get started. I thank God every day for this gift that has enabled me to heal myself and so many other people."

Ok, that’s it. Now you can send me $29.95  :-) 

--dr. diane holmes
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