End of the Year Quiz!
(January 15, 2019)
I know it's the start and not the end, of the year -- I didn't celebrate THAT much on New Year's Eve. But before we start worrying about all that "staying healthy" stuff again, here is a short review of the topics we covered last year. We'll start worrying about what we did to ourselves over the holidays later, since it's all now just a distant memory (except for a bit of extra flab).
1) Why should you take someone to the doctor with you on all but the most routine appointments?
(a) They can drive home if the doctor gives you some particularly good drugs.
(b) The doctor will feel intimidated by having a witness to his behavior and treat you more seriously than he might have otherwise.
(c) Both (a) and (b).
(d) Because your companion will hear things you won’t, notice things you don’t, think of things to ask (and, with permission, ask them) that didn't occur to you, and generally help you get a whole lot more out of the pitifully few minutes that the doctor has set aside for you.
2) The best natural thing(s) you can do to lower your cholesterol (in order of effectiveness) are
(a) The stuff being sold by the first three advertisements that come up when you google “lower cholesterol naturally”.
(b) Beer, Philly cheesesteaks, and loaded nachos.
(c) Fasting, drinking raw water, and eating no fat but coconut oil.
(d) Losing weight, changing your diet, taking supplements, and exercising.
3) Stretching is good for you because
(a) It makes you look really cool in case anyone is watching.
(b) It’s the only time you can get away with wearing that much spandex in public. (Unless you are a luchador. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0457510/mediaviewer/rm510302464)
(c) You can lengthen the parts that are flabby and they look pretty good for a few seconds.
(d) It increases your flexibility, and that will make you a lot less vulnerable to injury.
4) Everyone knows that they should listen to their body, but people usually don’t because
(a) The only language our bodies speak is ancient Etruscan.
(b) They have spent a lifetime ignoring their body's messages in order to do what they want and thus have no idea what it's trying to say.
(c) They don't pay attention to anyone else -- why make an exception for their bodies?
(d) It seems like your body is always telling you to stop doing something unhealthy that you like doing (often because you are doing it for a good reason. In other words, you drink beer (bad) in order to relax (good)).
5) When you examine the label of a pricey supplement and you see the phrase “proprietary blend”, you know
(a) That someone is getting ready to put one over on you.
(b) That it was manufactured in China.
(c) That someone put a lot of random stuff in it that they bought at a discount.
(d) That there isn’t enough of a single one of those impressive-sounding ingredients listed there that’s provided in enough quantity to be effective.
6) The reason that I don’t feel guilty for criticizing medical doctors and their enablers, the medical insurance companies, is:
(a) Someone has to do it.
(b) I once went on a blind date with a medical doctor who sneaked out in the middle of the meal and I had to pay THE ENTIRE CHECK MYSELF.
(c) No matter what you're sick with, your chances of survival are best if you just take some Nyquil and stay in bed until you feel like getting out of it.
(d) Between them, they vacuum up almost 20% of America’s GDP while simultaneously providing us with our third leading cause of death (medical error).
7) The best way to avoid opioid addiction:
(a) Is to smoke medical marijuana prophylactically.
(b) Is to not EVER buy any drugs of your own, but to only take pills that you find in your friends’ medicine cabinets.
(c) Is to build a 30-foot concrete wall on the U.S.-Mexico border.
(d) Is to take them ONLY when desperately needed, to take them for as short a period of time as you can stand it, and to utilize every other form of pain relief out there whenever possible.
8) The lifestyle-related disorder which is LEAST likely to be fixed by the obvious solution of its victim changing his or her lifestyle is:
(a) Social media addiction.
(c) Dwarf tossing.
9) Topical analgesics:
(a) Is a puppet that starred in a TV show in the early 1960s.
(b) Smell so bad that only a passive-aggressive person would ever use them.
(c) Because of unclear labeling practices, are instead ingested by 40% of purchasers.
(d) Work best on short term pain, in areas without a lot of soft tisssue, in gel form, and especially diclofenac, ketoprofen and sort-of-sometimes capsaicin.
10) 23andme DNA testing...
(a) ...will soon be mandatory for anyone who is running for political office.
(b) ...results aren't very reliable, because the company likes to randomly mix up people's reports just to mess with them.
(c) ...is mainly useful for people who wonder why they look more like the pool boy than they do their father.
(d) ...is a waste of money if you think that you’re going to get any information from it that will help you manage your personal health.
11) How much more dangerous, compared to other nights of the year, is it on Halloween?
(d) As long as you take the same normal, common-sense precautions you take going out in the evening every other night of the year – not a smidgen.
For question 1), I'll give you (c) if you insist on it. You can make a case for 5(a) as well if you MUST. But (d) is the best answer every time.
If you are too young to have a clue what I was talking about in 9(a), it was a pun. A bad one, but a pun nevertheless. Thus: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Topo_Gigio
And finally – my best wishes to all of you for your best and healthiest New Year ever. No joke at all.
--dr. diane holmes
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